Personal Devotions – Am I Dead? (Luke 10:30-35)

This is a twist on the “I’m not dead” posts I usually write when I have not written on my blog for a while.

Whenever people ask me how I’m feeling recently, all I can manage with is, “I’m surviving.”  That’s the best I can do at the moment.   I wondered how I could articulate how I was feeling, but I had a personal revelation: I am still working through my lack of passion – I’ve not done the things I have been passionate about for so long I’ve forgotten what they are….

I had a conversation with a friend on Facebook the other night, and he was trying to encourage me to fight the devil off and seek God and pray.  I didn’t want to be rude; I told him that I felt like the guy who got beat up and left for dead in the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-35)

30In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him.35The next day he took out two silver coins[a] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

I feel as though I’ve been emotionally beaten up and left for dead. I told my friend when he said that I’m “weak” and need to cry to God for strength, “I’m not weak. I’ve gone past weak.  When I was weak I felt like I lost almost everyone – and I’m not weak anymore. I’m destroyed.”  Now I know  that that’s harsh – but it seems like where I am.

In fact, I came to a realization just today – I guess I’m in the perfect place for God’s resurrection that he has been talking to me about since last December, because I have no fight left in me whatsoever.

In the above story, the man who was beaten up, in my opinion, would have had to have been unconscious.  He looked like a dead man.  That’s what made the other two skirt him.  If I remember correctly, the holy could not touch the dead – this would make them unclean.

I’ve felt that way myself – yes, there have been those who have been around, and I thank God for them – but the ones who separated cut deeper than the sharpest knife ever could.  My friend actually said that he felt partially responsible for my current emotional state, because he felt like he did leave me.  WOW.  I actually had to say that seemed like the first time someone actually admitted to abandoning me.

Now I agree, I did do my own separations. I will not stand and give an, “Oh poor me, everyone’s against me!” speech – at least, not without being fair and admitting my own part to play in it.  I have pulled away from those who I thought were helping me.  I did feel a sense of betrayal and loss, and I decided to close myself off.  Even when I tried to open myself up again I felt let down and pushed away, so I stayed away.

It took ages and ages to start getting away from my bitterness and resentment – and when I started to get over that … let’s just say I still have trust issues, as I expect others have of me.  So yeah, there are reactionary decisions on both sides.

But thank God Jesus hasn’t abandoned me. I may not feel it or want to acknowledge it right now, but he hasn’t.  I know that he’s the ultimate good Samaritan here, and I know that he’s sent others around me.  I’m doing what I can do – and waiting, like the unconscious man in the parable, to be picked up and taken care of.  I am waiting for the resurrection God promised me.

So, if you read this, and you want to help me – please don’t do it by telling me what I should be doing or what I am not doing because I’m just lying here.  My ribs are broken, it hurts to breathe and I’m sure I have other broken bones as well.  I can’t stand.  Come over and offer a hand, some oil and some wine (I like rich wine, not too dry, please.) *wink*  Seriously though – don’t judge me; just pray that the resurrection time comes quickly, and go according to what God says to you.

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17 Responses

  1. Hey (((Rob))) it’s good to see you posting again! You can’t be quite dead now can you! Yay!
    I was reading a book about the dark night of the soul the other day and I loved this passage –
    At night we see the stars and it’s beautiful and even if we can’t see where we’re walking, we look up and are dazzled by Father and His creation and love.
    And then just before dawn it gets very dark – we can’t see the stars, no moon, no nothing and we feel totally lost and deserted – but actually we are closer than ever to the light of God that is about to burst forth through that darkness.
    The point was made that Father allows these very black times into our lives so that we are totally helpless and cling even closer to him – before He bursts forth in even greater glory.
    In the darkness we are closest to him and He is teaching us to trust Him, teaching more about Himself and preparing us for the next qualitative jump forward in our relationship with Him.
    Remember in what a bad state I was when we met? I can testify to the above – Father removed all props, so I only had Him to lean on, trust and wait on – many years of it. Father won’t be rushed, the waiting is perhaps the most important time in your life. I was for me. And then when the right time came … well, I now have loads of blogs, loads of readers, loads of brothers and sisters and I’m amazingly blessed.
    Without those years, this would not have happened.
    These months/years are not wasted, they are crucial to the ministry you are being prepared for. Relax your heart into His and listen, read, learn. This is a time of blessing, you are not abandoned, the Potter is working on you – it’s painful, it burns and hurts, but I can assure you, one day you will be shouting hallelujah with a heart overflowing with gratitude.
    End of sermon :-))))))))))))))
    Big hugs and prayers – sending you some links – note the date of the first link :-)))))
    Jonie

    http://www.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/todaysverse.cgi?day=20101018
    http://joniev.wordpress.com/ (another new one !)
    http://www.e-water.net/viewflash.php?flash=irishblessing_en

    • Oh THANK YOU Jonie…. I remember when we met…. I appreciated your sermon 😉 Thanks for the encouragement! will be checking them out shortly 🙂

  2. Dear Robert,
    I appreciate your visit to my blog, cause then in prompted me to visit your place, and I got to read this post.

    There’s much that I would want to tell you…but some things are better said in a real face to face conversation.

    At least let me leave you with these words – I speak life to you, Robert, and I speak hope to you…and I speak peace to you.

    Will you allow your heart to beat again, dear friend? Will you also speak life and grace to it…will you ask God to feed the hunger and thirst of your heart, and hold on to the love of the Father?

    Praying for you
    Lidj

    • Well, since Barbados is far away from the Phillipines….the closest thing we’ll have to a ‘face to face’ communication will be private email – so I’m inviting u to contact me – bajanpoet(at)gmail(dot)com

      Thanks for speaking life to me – I receive that by faith!

      I would love my heart to beat again .. I will try to ask God to feed the weak beat of my heart….

      I appreciate your friendship. (HUGS)

  3. Hi Rob
    My first visit and “I appreciate your honesty”!!! You know God will come to you R-E-S-U-C-E!!!! I’ll be back to visit. 😀

    • Thanks for visiting, Pat … thanks for your encouragement 🙂 Please! “Mi casa es su casa” … what’s Spanish for ‘blog’? LOLOLOL Visit again – check the archives … there’s some good stuff in there, if I do say so myself 🙂

      Again, welcome!

  4. As I read your post, I thought of David. I think I relate to him most of all. There is a line in one of his Psalms that I especially like. I’m normally an NIV guy, but these 2 verses are said best in the old King James.

    Ps 30:6-7
    6 And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.
    7 LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.

    I have come to believe that even our frames of mind are from God. We are so dependent on Him that even our thoughts are in His hands.

    Thanks for stopping by my sight the other day. I too have been a little too occupied lately to give much time here. It’s good to connect with people though. I like when people write from the heart . . . as you have here.

    Mike

    • Thanks so much for commenting, Mike… your kind words mean a lot…. I am encouraged by them.

      And as you say, it’s great to connect with people 🙂

      Don’t be a stranger here – preoccupied or not 😉

  5. Hello, I don’t know if you remember me, but back in May and June I was having a very difficult time, and I came and read some of your posts, and I think you prayed for me. Well, I still have a little trouble here and there, but I am much improved.

    Today I thought I would visit some blogs that I had not been to in awhile. The timing is interesting to me, because I recently wrote an entry on restoration…the Lord does delight in restoring our souls. I hope it is okay if I give you the links to a couple of posts that might encourage you. Here they are below:

    http://pronetoponder.wordpress.com/2010/10/07/restoration/

    http://pronetoponder.wordpress.com/2010/10/07/restoration/

    I am about to pray for you, that the Lord would deliver you from whatever it is that is tormenting you, that your heart would be strengthened, and the joy of your salvation restored.

    Theresa

    • I do remember … and I am so grateful for the Lord’s hand in and on my life to lift me up during this time from all over the world! I will definitely be checking your links! Be blessed … and keep praying!

  6. I had meant to give you two links in my above comment, but gave you the same link twice. I hope the Lord might use this to lift you up:

    http://pronetoponder.wordpress.com/2010/06/07/groanings-part-5a-the-lord-inclines/

    • Thank you so much, Theresa!

  7. Hello,
    I was thinking about you today, and wondered if you like to look at the words to old hymns. I was looking at one a little while ago, and now another one is coming to my mind as well. You are right about how the Lord must lift us up when we are dead…sunken into those miry pits. None of us are perfect. we fall…daily, but we do sometimes fall in the way that you have described in this post. I am so glad that you still are confident that the Lord is good. I am thinking about Ezekiel 34, and the beautiful words spoken there: “Thus saith the Sovereign Lord… 16I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick…”

    I know there was a particular situation at hand when those words were spoken, but they revealed to me just a small glimpse of the pity the Lord has for his children. Here are the words to a verse from each of the hymns I had in mind and a couple links where you can read the other verses:

    Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
    Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God’s own choosing:
    Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He;
    Lord Sabaoth, His Name, from age to age the same,
    And He must win the battle.

    http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/m/i/mightyfo.htm

    The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
    I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
    That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
    I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

    http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/h/f/hfirmafo.htm

    • Theresa…. I love hymns… I grew up as a Nazarene, so singing hymns is in my blood… I don’t know the two you reference, but yes, I love the words you posted. Thanks so much! “Jehovah Sabaoth – Lord of hosts – Commander in Chief of the Armies of Heaven!” ….

      And I love the emphasis of “I’ll never, no never forsake…. comforting words….

      Thanks again for your encouragement. (HUGS)

      • Your November 4th post really troubled me. 😦

        • Why? It was a poem based on the eating of a great sandwich I bought at a street vendor (that’s the ‘personal experience’ I mentioned.) The fact that it had a sexy feel was deliberate – I wanted to portray the feelings of intense pleasure I had while eating it.

          If I do write more, I won’t be putting them here – I’ll be keeping more to the theme of this blog – but I just wanted to share my experience.

          I am sorry it troubled you, though.

  8. […] I stated in an earlier post, “I guess I’m in the perfect place for God’s resurrection that he has been talking to me […]

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