At this point in my life, halfway between the beginning and ending of 2011 – I would say that I am definitely picking up momentum in some ways, while slacking in others. On the more positive side – I am definitely making attempts and strides towards getting out more and doing some things that make me feel passionate and alive! One of those things – the main thing I am striding in – is my creative side. I have started writing poetry again in earnest and have been going to open mic and spoken word events for several weeks now. This has led to me having a great boost in confidence as those who hear me read my work are enthusiastic and keep telling me how good it is. I also decided to finally put the poems online as well; the last time I was writing was at the infancy of the information age, and I lost over 155 pages of my early poems (that I was writing from about 14 years old) as my computer rejected the file that I was trying to save to a website (circa 1997-98.)
This time, with a more sturdy and global internet, where blogs are all the rage …. I decided to take the plunge and store them online again. And this time I was more successful. My new blog is called Poet: Whispers and can be accessed at http://poetwhispers.wordpress.com. I have been encouraged by all the positive things spoken about the poems that have been released – one of my blog friends has commented that she’s read the poems and said they left her “bug eyed and speechless!” I had to clarify if that was a good thing … hehe (she assured me that it was; her way of saying WOW!)
Going out so often has the double benefit of helping to boost my confidence AND helping me to come out of my shell more. As another friend of mine has commented to me just today – she is proud of me for continuing to push forward and come out of my shell in spite of all I have gone through recently.
Now for the less positive side. I have lacked motivation and drive to pursue the God who I know is the only one I can really, truly able and capable one, and because of that, I have seen negative momentum … it is now officially a year since my wife and I separated, and we are now faced with the decision how we are going to end our marriage. I have struggled with personal sins as I tried to cope, yet had a mental block for a long time against God and his church. I saw and felt a pulling back towards Him recently, but again, it has petered off. I struggle, because I still feel rebellious towards the good-boy image that has been over my life – that is one of the stigmas I want to break off. I have constantly been telling others that I am only human and not God come back in the flesh, as those who interact with me in real life have seemed to believe (at least, this is how their actions towards me have led me to think they believe) and, now, with the seeming inevitability of the demise of my marriage, and my moral struggles and all the rest of it, the church came up woefully inadequate in providing a safe place for me to heal and feel secure. So, I have hidden myself away – and that has only stopped recently with the poetry excursions.
So. There it is. My momentum for this year has not always been positive. But it is what it is. And I am still believing God for somehow helping me to get out of the mire. I have prayed for the desire to change. I have said, “Help me to want this.” And I guess that that in itself is momentum in the right direction.
When you read this, it will more than likely be June 8th. My birthday. My wish for this day, and for the rest of my 33rd year on this earth, is that God would not leave me comfortless, and that he would continue to pursue me until I find him again.