One Word 2011: Momentum – Halfway Point


At this point in my life, halfway between the beginning and ending of 2011 – I would say that I am definitely picking up momentum in some ways, while slacking in others.  On the more positive side – I am definitely making attempts and strides towards getting out more and doing some things that make me feel passionate and alive! One of those things – the main thing I am striding in – is my creative side.  I have started writing poetry again in earnest and have been going to open mic and spoken word events for several weeks now. This has led to me having a great boost in confidence as those who hear me read my work are enthusiastic and keep telling me how good it is.  I also decided to finally put the poems online as well; the last time I was writing was at the infancy of the information age, and I lost over 155 pages of my early poems (that I was writing from about 14 years old) as my computer rejected the file that I was trying to save to a website (circa 1997-98.)

This time, with a more sturdy and global internet, where blogs are all the rage …. I decided to take the plunge and store them online again.  And this time I was more successful.  My new blog is called Poet: Whispers and can be accessed at http://poetwhispers.wordpress.com. I have been encouraged by all the positive things spoken about the poems that have been released – one of my blog friends has commented that she’s read the poems and said they left her “bug eyed and speechless!”  I had to clarify if that was a good thing … hehe (she assured me that it was; her way of saying WOW!)

Going out so often has the double benefit of helping to boost my confidence AND helping me to come out of my shell more. As another friend of mine has commented to me just today – she is proud of me for continuing to push forward and come out of my shell in spite of all I have gone through recently.

Now for the less positive side.  I have lacked motivation and drive to pursue the God who I know is the only one I can really, truly able and capable one, and because of that, I have seen negative momentum … it is now officially a year since my wife and I separated, and we are now faced with the decision how we are going to end our marriage. I have struggled with personal sins as I tried to cope, yet had a mental block for a long time against God and his church.  I saw and felt a pulling back towards Him recently, but again, it has petered off.  I struggle, because I still feel rebellious towards the good-boy image that has been over my life – that is one of the stigmas I want to break off.   I have constantly been telling others that I am only human and not God come back in the flesh, as those who interact with me in real life have seemed to believe (at least, this is how their actions towards me have led me to think they believe) and, now, with the seeming inevitability of the demise of my marriage, and my moral struggles and all the rest of it, the church came up woefully inadequate in providing a safe place for me to heal and feel secure.  So, I have hidden myself away – and that has only stopped recently with the poetry excursions.

So.  There it is.  My momentum for this year has not always been positive.  But it is what it is.  And I am still believing God for somehow helping me to get out of the mire.  I have prayed for the desire to change.  I have said, “Help me to want this.”  And I guess that that in itself is momentum in the right direction.

When you read this, it will more than likely be June 8th. My birthday.  My wish for this day, and for the rest of my 33rd year on this earth, is that God would not leave me comfortless, and that he would continue to pursue me until I find him again.

Advertisements

Personal Devotions: Sonship


Welcome to the first Personal Devotions post for 2011!

I have started to use Youversion on my Blackberry to get back into reading the Word.  Last year I was interacting with the Scripture using the Daily Audio Bible website and community, but in November I couldn’t keep up the momentum… it petered out.  So although I almost made it, I didn’t finish reading the entire Bible last year.  It was becoming a lot to take in all at once – Brian reads from the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Psalms and the Proverbs every single day – as well as gives his own inspired commentary on what was read.  Then he would pray, and there was also be a section where people from the community could call in and ask for prayer, pray for others in the community or give a praise report.

It was  great. But it was a lot to take in as the year progressed and my battle with depression deepened.   So this year, on the advice of a few good friends, I have endeavoured to look for another strategic Bible plan that will ease me back into the reading of the Word.

I had downloaded the Youversion app on my Blackberry for a while, but hadn’t really used it much until I was challenged to read the Word more – specifically the Psalms.  I decided that I would find a short Bible plan using the smartphone.  And this is day two.  I’m reading a Psalm and a Proverb.  that’s’ it.

But today I heard God speak through his word in a way that I have not heard in a while.  I was arrested by Psalm 2:7

I will proclaim the LORD’s decree:

He said to me, “You are my son;
today I have become your father.

I heard him: YOU ARE MY SON.  I cried out to him, “I have not felt like your son in ages!”  But in spite of what I feel or don’t, his word still rings true to my heart today.

This Scripture naturally makes me think of Romans 8:15 as well

15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[a] And by him we cry, Abba,[b] Father.”

And looking at Proverbs 2, I was also arrested by the beginning two words: “My son”  The entire chapter spoke to me, but I am picking out the part that I really feel impressed on my heart right now.

1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding—
3 indeed, if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds success in store for the upright,
he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
8 for he guards the course of the just
and protects the way of his faithful ones.

I have had so many depressed moods, so much negativity, so much pain – that focusing on the positive was a welcome change.  So here is my devotion for today.

Lord, I have not felt like your son for ages. I can say like the Prodigal, “I am not worthy to be called your son.” But you call me son anyway. Even if I fail.  Even if I fall. Even if I decide that I am still feeling rebellious… all of this time you still call me son, and still seek my heart turning back to you. I ask that you will acknowledge my baby steps, and help me to increase my momentum. Thank you Jesus. AMEN

One Word – Momentum


(Author’s note: I will return to Bajan culture in my next post. This, however, is where I am right now…)

My friend Alece of  Grit and Glory has started a tradition at her blog called One Word … where you condense the tradional New Year’s Resolution into a single word and focus on that one word all year.  You can read about it in her latest post.

My word for last year was ‘Resurrection’.  In a lot of ways, there has been a lot of death in my life.  Death of relationships, of trust, of the passion that once drove me into the arms of the Saviour… a whole lot of death.

I have had some great friendships and people who have pulled me from the brink of the abyss, and some who have even walked through the valley of the shadow of death with me.  I have great respect for them, and, though the majority of them I have never met in person, I hope to rectify that pretty soon.

As I stated in an earlier post, “I guess I’m in the perfect place for God’s resurrection that he has been talking to me about since last December, because I have no fight left in me whatsoever.”  But that has changed somewhat.  I now am feeling the urge to MOVE – to move forward and not stay in my state of death.  Now I am convinced that the only one with the power to lay his life down of his own accord and pick it up again is Jesus himself, but I also acknowledge that resurrection is possible only through him.  I can’t do it.  I can’t make myself get up and be back to my old self – but I can move forward as much as I can and continue to press in whatever way I can.

Therefore, my One Word for 2011 is momentum.  This is defined by http://www.dictionary.com as:

force or speed of movement; impetus, as of a physical objector course of events:

The car gained momentum going downhill.

I have started to try to work on myself and will continue to come out of my cocoon of pain along with some wonderful friends, both here and online.  But as I have started, I will attempt to continue.  Here’s to FORWARD MOMENTUM!!!!

What areas in your life do you need to focus on for next year?  Go over to Grit And Glory and read the post – and come up with your own One Word focus for 2011!